My story.....
Ava told me over the weekend that she misses me so much when I have to go to work. This brought so many thoughts to me. She lives in a house of 6. It gets so crazy there, hence the name of the blog! haha. I realize she gets pushed around with the crowd. It is so weird to think you could feel alone in big crowds, but it is very easy. Then I thought about the fact that she was 3 the last time I worked full time in the summer when she is out of school and would notice me being there or not. She probably doesn't even remember that as much as she recognizes it now.
This morning she comes in my room and says she does not feel good. She says her stomach hurts. I am trying to get ready for work. I go get a Tums and have her take it. I tell her to lay down in my bed while I continue to get ready. She keeps on whining. I start thinking of her saying she misses me and how I am pretty sure that her saying she doesn't feel good means she wants more than a Tums thrown at her and to be left alone. So I go in there and rub her hair for a few minutes. I then go back to getting ready. As she continues to lay there watching Tom and Jerry, I felt so bad for letting her feel alone, for taking her for granted, for being a working mom, for thinking a Tums will make up for all that. I finish getting ready and go in there to tell her bye. I give her a hug and big tears fill her eyes. I sit her in my lap and hug her. She starts crying. I asked her if her stomach still hurts and she said, "no, I am just sad". I tell her to think of fun things that we can do together and make a list. Then we will plan something on Wednesday when daddy could take the boys and we can do girly stuff. "We can go eat pizza or get our nails done" I say. She said "I don't want to eat pizza or paint my nails." I told her that was fine and that we could do anything. She looks at me with her tear stained face and says "like play a game?" The child just wants me to play with her. She wants my time. How loud does she have to scream that before I hear her?
It is so hard to balance a house. I feel so guilty, like I have let her down. I have let it go too far. I imagine her feeling exactly how I feel at times, standing in the eye of a tornado. It is calm, but everything is flying so fast around me I can't focus on anything. I don't have time to think about one thing before the next is whizzing by. I know how I feel as an adult. Does she feel that way at 6? Does she feel that way hearing "come brush your teeth", "come pick up your shoes", "come get your towel out of the floor", "come get your dirty dishes off the table", "hurry up", "we are late", "go get in the car...hurry...get your shoes on"? It never stops. Do I "shhhhsh" her too much? All these questions that will reflect how a child at the tender age of 6 perceives her day to day, her life.
I decide I will pray. I will pray for the ability to discern God's voice in the matter. I will pray to make the right decisions about the path of my career vs the path of my job (*correction- it is gift) as a parent. Is this God's voice telling me that I need to work less? Maybe full time is not exactly right for my family at this time. Or just that I need to be more available? If that is it, I pray for the answer on how to find more time and to be intentional with my time. I pray to be dedicated all the time, not just at my convenience. I know I am a good parent, but I also know there is always room for improvement. Please pray with me.
